


Good at Goodbyes

by Crimsun



Series: The Nohyuck Two Hit Wonder [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Jeno centric, M/M, Mentions of pain and nose bleeds from sickness, One Sided Love, Past Noren, Time running out, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-18 14:14:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12389724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crimsun/pseuds/Crimsun
Summary: Jeno has returned to Daegu after years of staying away. Mark and Donghyuck are pleased but Jeno isn't here to stay.He's running out of time. Fast.Title from Good at Goodbyes by Sam Smith





	Good at Goodbyes

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> This is my fourth NCT fic and I'm sorry for the pain that will follow. This fic is heavily Jeno centric because he is awesome! It came as a stray thought and I'm sorry for the angst. I wrote this in a day and I'm pretty sure it sucks but it's been a month since I posted something and I didn't want to give my metaphorical pen to writer's block.
> 
> So yeah. Also, I know nothing about how cancer works except the pain that the people experience so I'm sorry for any medical inaccuracies even if I focus on the emotions and thought process more.
> 
> I listened to "I need somebody" and "You were beautiful" by Day6 when I wrote this.
> 
> English is not my first language so read at your own risk.
> 
> Prepare for disaster.
> 
> Peace. I love you all.
> 
> PS: Thank you, Lyo. I miss you.

“Order for Jeno.”

The lean barista chirped out, the brown apron snug against his thin frame. He smiled widely, eyes sparkling as the platinum blonde-haired man walked to the counter, dragging his feet. Jeno smiled back, knowing that the curve didn’t make his eyes disappear into crescents like it usually did. It was justified though since he was tired.

He put his hands in his pockets and paid for his daily dose of caffeine. The barista smiled knowingly as he handed back the extra note, his lean and long fingers brushing slightly against Jeno’s. Jeno ran a hand through his messy hair and attempted to smile, secretly chiding himself for doing the same thing every day he visited the place.

“Sleep-deprived again?”

Jaemin, the very handsome barista asked as he handed him the coffee. The shop didn’t have many people except another younger barista with blue hair. In the three months of Jeno’s regular visits to the place, he often saw the younger one asleep with his arms folded on the counter. Jisung(Thank you, name tags) rarely ever served him and whenever he yawned mid-order, Jaemin would pat him softly on the shoulder and ask him to sleep. His coffee-starved brain never failed to pick up the grateful smile on the younger boy’s face as he waddled his way over to the tall chair. 

There was a girl who was blasting Big Bang very loudly, it was audible outside the earphones, making Jeno worry about her eardrums in passing and two boys, half asleep as their hands typed something all thanks to muscle memory, in the shop. He assumed that it was probably the reason why the barista decided to talk to him. He asked him random questions on some days and he concluded that it was on the worst days that the barista did so. It made him feel relevant for a minute.

“Yeah. How did.. you know?”

Jeno asked, cautiously. Usually, he just nodded and walked away, but today he decided to give the cute barista a bit of his time. A rarity. The other’s smile widened as he realized today was one of those days that Jeno talked.

Jaemin giggled under his breath. Jeno wondered for a fleeting moment if he belonged to someone. He wondered if his significant other loved the way his giggle squeezed their hearts; if his smile lit up their day. 

“You look like the chic version of death. I mistook that today was Halloween for a second. Not that you don’t look like it every day.”

Jaemin said, tone fake serious.

Jeno stared at him with wide eyes before the joke finally processed in his sleep-deprived and super slow brain.

“You okay?”

Jeno pulled his gaze up from the floor to look at the barista who was leaning forward slightly towards him from the other side of the counter. This was a stranger. It would be so easy to let him know what was wrong. To tell him everything and go about his life. But Jeno never did like burdening others with his problems.

“Uhh..yeah. I’m fine.”

The barista frowned.

“You have friends, right? The ones who come in with you sometimes? Talk to them or something about this. It’s not very reassuring when you walk in like clockwork every day at 3 in the morning.”

Jeno smiled. 

“Is this part of customer service and company policy too?”

Jaemin glared at him for a second before sending him a soft smile.

“Yeah. I made it myself.”

It made sense. Must be easy to add clauses in the policy if you were the owner. He bid the smiling man goodbye and walked out, pulling the lapels of his hoodie closer with his unoccupied hand. 

How much more?

The coffee burned as it went down his throat and he was not freezing cold for a moment. Unfortunately, moments were just that. 

Fleeting. Evanescent. Transient.

He was freezing again.

***

Jeno put the key in the lock of the redwood door and turned it. The wooden plane gave way with a slight creak to reveal his apartment in all its comfortable glory. He toed away his vans at the side and dragged his feet. He was doing that a lot these days.

The coffee was long gone. It’s not like he didn’t own a coffee maker. It was just that the 3 am walks calmed a part of him which was constantly unsettled. The cafe never let him down; both in terms of being the caffeine server and in terms of service. Jaemin was a welcome distraction.

He collapsed on the couch and took a deep breath. 

Breathing. So crucial to the existence of humans but at the end of the day, it was just the contraction and expansion of the lungs; a saga of inhaling and exhaling. A tiny detail but paramount all the same. 

Why did people never appreciate the little things? Why was the world so ignorant and hell-bent on wrecking havoc when the body could give up on them faster than the blink of an eye? Why?

It would be so easy to close his eyes and fall asleep but what if... what if he missed another sunrise? 

Time wasn’t in abundance. It was ticking down at a daunting, escalated pace. It scared him.

He was just a scared boy.

But he had to be brave. He had things to do.

***

Jeno moved into his present apartment three months ago after something particularly life-changing was revealed to him. His father had apologized to him and promised to take care of all the bills. 

“Go live your life.” He said. _While you still could._

If Jeno had been a lesser man, he would have taken up the offer. He didn’t. Instead, he resigned from the newspaper he worked for and took up online writing gigs. He moved out from his first apartment in Seoul and moved to the warm confines of his Daegu home.

Who knew that the zeroes in his savings would have to be used up so soon? 

Daegu spoke to him in ways Seoul didn’t. Maybe it was because of the fact that he grew up here. Maybe it was the weather or the comfort it offered in its wind. It gave him anything and everything he ever needed and promised him all that he wished for. Maybe that was why he was so glad to step foot in the soil which his heartbroken past self had run away from. 

He didn’t just choose the place for fun. He had family here. Friends who were family. Two men who deserved all the time had; the time he desolately clung onto with sweaty hands. The time that threatened to slip like sand from his weakening hold. Two who were as good as one because of how close they were. A single entity compromised of two souls. What did people call it? Soulmates? Lovers for life? All those epithets dulled at the brightness of their love. Jeno knew. He was blinded once. He still was.

He was heartbroken once. He still was.

However, he had no right to intrude. He was their friend. Maybe, he would always love one of them a little more than the other; a little different, but he would never act on it. They deserved better than a platinum blonde-haired boy who had too little time in his hands to stumble in and destroy the feeling of home they created in each other.

They kept in touch. Of course, they did. No amount of heartbreak would ever be enough to make him forget the years he spent with Donghyuck and Mark.

Jeno’s mom passed away when he was four. He won’t lie and say he remembered her. He didn’t. All he remembered was blurry images of long, soft black hair and pale white, gentle hands. If it wasn’t for the albums his father cherished, he would never have known his mother as well as he did. He didn’t know her but he loved her all the same.

When he was seven, he met Donghyuck after said boy defended him in a matter of a stolen toy. The tan hand that had looped with his pale one still warmed the hearth he hid in the walls of his heart. Then they met Mark. The boy moved to Daegu from Canada when Jeno was ten. The holy trinity was thus, complete.

The trio did everything together. Everything.

It was only natural for them to fall in love together too. The only problem was that there was just one Donghyuck and two boys in pursuit of his love. 

Mark won. Jeno never participated in the race. 

He could never bring himself up to confess after the Canadian boy called him up a day before Donghyuck’s birthday and asked him to help him with his confession. Jeno was sixteen but he was a smart kid. He knew his limits. He knew what he wanted. He was certain that the then red-haired boy would be better off with Mark; that his best friend would be loved with all that Mark had. 

It was only natural for him to wish for his best friends’ happiness. If it meant letting go of his love, he was ready. 

And he did. 

Letting go was easy when it was for the sake of their love. A lasting love born out of the ephemeral flames of Jeno’s which died as soon as it was lit.

The pair remained unaware of the tears he shed at night and when he smiled at them, he meant it with all his heart. But even after graduation, Jeno was guilty of looking at Donghyuck with love, a bit more than what was appropriate. He was another’s. Jeno had no right.

So at the cost of losing two because of one, he left for college. They did too. When he applied, he lied that he didn’t get in to Seoul National. He still remembers tearing the acceptance letter with his eyes screwed shut, keeping the “what ifs” at bay, as the boyfriends gushed to him about finally being able to go to college as a trio. He fake laughed but he knew what he had to do. They deserved a milieu without the piercing gaze of an onlooker they would never ask to leave. He called them a day later and told them that he didn’t get in. 

That was that.

Tears followed. Desperate hugs followed. The future Jeno chose for himself remained unchanged. He never regretted it. The only regret he had the day they split at the Seoul station for the first time, was because of his mind which kept whisper yelling at him that he hugged Donghyuck a little longer than Mark. 

Yonsei was not a welcome change. But he welcomed it with all he had anyway. If there was one thing he knew about himself, it was that he trusted his choices and knew that only he was responsible for the decisions he made. He didn’t blame Mark. Donghyuck was easy to fall in love with. He didn’t blame the boy too because he firmly believed that no one could force love. Throwing their friendship of years at the pyre of an uncertain love life was unrealistic. So, he adapted to Yonsei and the corridors held their metaphorical doors open for the boy with a heartwarming eye smile and a broken heart.

It wasn’t home. Home was with _them_. But it was still as close as it got to home without their presence. He relished the random calls and the weekly video chats. He watched through the pixels of his Macbook screen as his friends fell more and more in love every day. He felt like his sacrifice was well spent. Whenever the green monster threatened to raise its ugly and treacherous head up, he beat it down to the ground with all the virtues he had. Then, he asked his mind to help his heart. Most days, it listened and he grew a little more grateful each time it did.

They met up during breaks and since Jeno’s dad travelled a lot for his job as a wildlife photographer; he tended to stay in the college dorms itself. But the perks of having two very insistent best friends was that you were never really alone; even if you wished to be. Donghyuck and Mark dragged him to their home every break like clockwork. The incredulous looks they threw him followed by the crestfallen expressions were always enough to force Jeno to get on the train home, the pair grinning with mirth lining their faces. 

Mark’s parents were divorced and the court had ruled in favour of his mother. The woman was soft-spoken but with an iron will; something her son had inherited too. Whenever Jeno visited, she ushered him in with delicate hugs and soft words. For obvious reasons, the Yonsei student always chose Mark’s house to stay at because staying at the other’s house meant sleeping in the same bed as him; something he could never bring himself to do when Mark wasn’t with them. 

Donghyuck’s family, however, was loud, much like the boy himself. His father was a master of dad jokes and mother, a graceful woman with some serious culinary skills. It was easy to figure out how Donghyuck had become the unofficial cook among the three. His cousins were all under ten and were a boisterous and naughty bunch. They didn’t stay at his home but lived in the neighbourhood and visited every day when they heard the news of their three brothers coming home. “The Three Musketeers” were the name the kids had given them. It always made Jeno smile when the younger ones stumbled over the big word. He was sure it was Donghyuck’s father’s plan to name them that. 

Breaks were appreciated much by them because over the years it had become the only time that they got to see Jeno in the flesh. It was mostly Jeno’s fault. He always played the “busy with studies” card whenever they invited him out for meeting up. Even if they had sensed the dejection, they never called him out on it and kept asking. Jeno told himself that the feelings would go away but distance sadly, didn’t work the way he wanted to and a part of him always felt like he was betraying his best friends. During the occasional meetups, he tried to keep his gaze away from the boy he loved who belonged to his best friend. Even then he couldn’t help himself and he did look, flicking his gaze away only when his brain warned him with blinking red lights.

The trio graduated with near-perfect GPAs; an unintended feat. They went on a road trip in the month that followed their graduation and it was, for lack of words, perfect. Jeno, gladly played the chauffeur and dragged his dad’s SUV around the country. A part of the reason why he did it was that somewhere during the last year of college, he had realized that he had ignored a lot of the demands his friends made simply because his heart refused to be in control. So, he bought some iron rods along with a lock and confined that part of his heart which refused to listen to his desperate demands. It might have ached a bit but the smiles that never left the faces of the duo was enough to make him bear it with a smile just as stunning; one he knew curved his eyes into a thin line for all the right reasons.

Mark had joined his mother’s construction company as the acting manager; after all, he had taken a business degree just for the sake of helping his mom. Mrs.Lee was pleased to take a step back and let her son lead. Donghyuck opened a restaurant, following in his parents’ footsteps. His parents still looked after their restaurant some blocks away from Donghyuck’s. Jeno was certain that they were proud of their son, both for using his degree in the most beneficial way and for standing on his own feet in such a short time. He was so happy for his friends and even more so, when he heard that they were moving in together; a place closer to Donghyuck’s restaurant and Mark’s office. They supported each other and he was enthralled at seeing how in tune they both were. 

Jeno had wanted to go back to Daegu. But his father was busy travelling the world and somehow, the thought of going home to an empty house when the boy he loved was just a mile away didn’t sit well with him. Neither did the fact that he was still hanging on to that feeling. He went to a couple of interviews, praying and hoping that he did well enough to not go back and try his luck in Daegu. So, when he received a call from the headquarters of The Chosun Ilbo, he uttered out a clear affirmative, pride blazing in his chest at having scored the bounty. 

He had joined as a trainee and he was fine with that. He tried his best and from the way his senior officer smiled at him for the first time, six months later and then pushed an envelope towards him, he knew that he had made the right choice. Big cases and news started to be forwarded to him and he tried with all he can and worked tirelessly. Late nights stretching on to early mornings, he gave it his all whatever the demands were; a reflex born from always wanting validation. 

His love life wasn’t desolate. His first kiss was during sophomore year at a club and he doesn’t quite remember their face. He was too out of it. During his final year at college, he went out with a girl for a few weeks(two to be exact) and it didn’t work out well. They split amicably. His longest relationship was with the assistant of the Chinese translator in the office. It lasted for five months and Renjun was everything anyone could ever wish for. He had set working hours and his senior, Sicheng never put too much workload on him. Renjun, even if he hadn’t moved in, went to Jeno’s apartment and cooked food for him, waiting for his boyfriend to come home. Most nights, Jeno arrived home to see his beautiful boyfriend sleeping while sitting upright, his neck at an awkward and painful angle. 

He loved Renjun. He did. But it seemed that it wasn’t enough. It seemed that he never could bring himself to love the Chinese man the way he loved a certain boy back home. But Renjun had been smarter than Jeno had given him credit for. He told him one day at breakfast that he didn’t think that he was the one for Jeno and that he didn’t want him to pretend like he loved him when he was clearly fond of someone else. The journalist had blanched but didn’t quite find the strength to deny the words. The Chinese boy had tears streaming down his face when Jeno apologized and he too, had shed some. Breaking up wasn’t easy but he knew he couldn’t be happy when his heart was yearning for someone untouchable and out of his league. He also knew that dragging another into a relationship he could never be fully committed to was unfair and so he let Renjun go with a tight hug and a salty kiss. 

They saw each other at the office and had lunch together but the friend-zone line was clearly drawn. Flash forward three months later and Renjun informed him that he was going home; that he didn’t think Korea was for him. Jeno swallowed the bile in his throat as he smiled to hide the pain of losing someone else. Renjun deserved better than what he could have given him and he found solace in that thought. He went to the airport on the day of his leaving, the only other ones being Sicheng and the other assistant, Chenle. The Chinese man hugged him tight and wished him well, asking him to not worry and assuring him that he had moved on, having cut the strings as soon as the realization processed. The pain that settled in his bones at seeing a familiar back walk away made him ponder if Mark and Donghyuck felt the same way each time he walked away, not looking back even once. 

Donghyuck called much more frequently than Mark and he had been devastated by Jeno’s breakup with Renjun but he had fallen for the shitty excuse he gave him too. He offered to come and stay with Jeno for a while and all of Jeno asked him of the kind of good he did in his previous life to deserve having such a perfect human being as his best friend and first love(probably the only). Mark’s calls often left him feeling calm inside whereas the ones with Donghyuck left him feeling like an energizer bunny. Mark was the perfect calm to the beautiful chaos that Donghyuck was and it was during moments like those that reminded him why he had to eliminate himself from being a choice of Donghyuck.

The job at Chosun Ilbo was very demanding and with Renjun gone, there was no one whom Jeno quite clicked with. He worked so much that some days, his senior, Jongin asked him to go home with a tired smile, even offering so much as to completely go out of his way and drop Jeno at his apartment. He rarely took up the offer since he had a car anyway. Life went on with some bumps that Jeno, looking back now, wished he had noticed.

But there was no time to dwell on thoughts that didn’t contribute much except bone-chilling fear and paling anxiety. He wanted to focus on what he moved here for; to spend the time he had, with the people he loved the most. When he was satisfied, he would go back; vanish into thin air like the Houdini-wannabe in their middle school. They would be fine. His secrets would be safe between the folds of grey matter in his brain, the threads of sinews of his heart and the hidden pages of his journals. He would go to his father when he couldn’t pretend anymore, excusing himself from his friends' lives, saying he wanted to spend some time with his dad. Then, he would die with a smile on his face; a life well lived they would say, a man who worked hard, they would say, a great friend, they would say, a complete idiot _they_ would say. Maybe, they’ll be angry and they’ll probably(surely) hate him for some time too but there was no other solution that presented itself to him. The sheer thought of how little time he had daunted him and he refused to waste away, plagued by fear of the future.

He snapped out of his thoughts as the sound of the key turning in the lock reached his ears. He got up from the couch and pushed his hair to the back with a sigh. Smile, he told himself.

He didn’t have much time to think before a brown-haired blur came sprinting at him, latching on to him with a tight grip, the person’s ankle locking behind him. His bones ached from the other’s weight and his breath stuttered but it was Donghyuck. How could he ever let go that easily? There was a time when he didn’t even stumble at the other’s weight but that was long gone. In time, he would be too.

“Get down you oaf. You’re so fucking heavy.”

Donghyuck giggled before slowly letting his feet touch down on the floor, Jeno’s arms still tight around his waist for balancing him properly. The brown-haired man leaned close and pointed a finger at his face, a frown replacing the initial excited look.

“You aren’t sleeping well again.”

Donghyuck stated, gaze flicking between Jeno and his boyfriend. Mark shoved his phone into his pocket and looked up, eyebrows scrunching together as he looked at Jeno. He raised an eyebrow at the blonde-haired man.

 _Lie._ “I stayed up to watch a movie. I’ll just nap in the evening or something.”

Mark put the bags of takeout on the coffee table and walked to him, a hand feeling his forehead, the frown intensifying.

“You have a fever, Jeno. Again. Go get a coat, we’re going to the doctor.”

The elder declared, Donghyuck nodding in agreement.

“I’m fine. I am just feeling a little under the weather.”

“That’s what you said the last time and the time before that. It’s only been 3 months since you moved here and you’ve been constantly feeling _under the weather_.” Donghyuck responded, doing a terrible imitation of Jeno as he uttered the words that had become his watchwords.

“We’ll go if I get sick again. I promise. I took the flu pills and I slept well. Don’t worry.”

Mark threw him a look of suspicion and he turned his head to see that Donghyuck was looking at him with the exact same concern. His intention wasn’t to worry them. He just wanted to spend the time he had with them. 

“Come on. Let’s eat.”

Donghyuck declared, a hand clutching Jeno’s elbow to his stomach as he leaned his head on his bicep, Mark smiling warmly at them. 

Jeno was glad that it was a Saturday. The others rarely had off days but since he moved back, the duo was putting in sincere efforts to give him time. They probably left their work early so they could hang out with him. He didn’t doubt the fact that they would stay by his side all the time, if they knew what was going on. But they didn’t.

Brunch was delicious and the fact that Donghyuck cooked all of it for him especially made his heart beat faster but it was just friendship. He found solace in the fact that there was that strong of a bond connecting them. Mark let him know that Donghyuck had let his staff take over just so he could come over and visit him. Jeno’s gaze kept straying to the dark circles under Mark’s eyes.

Hypocrite.

“Oh no. I know that look. It’s the “You’re a hypocrite, Mark Lee” look. Hyung, you’re in it for today.”

Donghyuck cackled, gaze darting back and forth. Mark shifted in his seat.

“How many hours did you sleep yesterday, hyung?”

Mark paled before he swallowed the sushi in a single gulp, making Jeno worry for his food pipe’s well being.

“Slow down. Don’t die on me.”

Donghyuck said, slightly frowning as Mark coughed continuously for the next few moments. The younger smoothed his hand down his boyfriend’s back, the black-haired man smiling in response. During times like this, Jeno found himself dissociating; he was an entity belonging to another realm and then he came down, when he realized that it was just their love that pushed him there. Maybe, he should have been jealous and maybe, once he was. He wasn’t anymore. He had grown; not out of his love for Donghyuck but as a person whose love for them as friends had steadily incremented. He mentally thanked his dromomaniac father for the way he brought him up. Letting go was probably the best thing he could have done for them.

“I had a nightmare. Couldn’t sleep after that.”

Donghyuck stared accusingly at Mark as if he was seriously offended that he wasn’t informed about it considering he slept next to him.

Jeno put the chopsticks down and leaned forward. He wasn’t eating much. The nausea that accompanied his time-taker was too much to bear sometimes.

“That bad, hyung?”

Donghyuck asked. Jeno couldn’t help but notice the sync that had formed by the camaraderie maintained over the years.

Mark ran a hand over his face, looking at Jeno with concern.

“I.. Yeah.”

A part of him wanted to hear what had shaken his hyung so much but he could see the sheer struggle on his face. He thought about the sleepless nights that would follow for the men in front of him when he inevitably left. It was part and parcel of life. It would be fine. They’ll deal.

Donghyuck steered the conversation away to distant lands. Stories that reminded Jeno of how much he had missed out on when he took a break from them that even with three months worth of conversations, they were in abundance. Mark watched with fondness, anxiety that covered his face when he talked about the nightmare, long gone.

“Did you hit on the cute barista at the shop?”

Jeno fidgeted. Why did Donghyuck have such good memory?

“He’s just an acquaintance, Hyuck. I am not interested, really.”

Donghyuck sighed in frustration.

“Do something about that. You’re,” Donghyuck pinched his thumb and pointer finger together, creating a small space, “this close to becoming the President of the Third wheels association. It hurts my heart that such an eligible bachelor is available and no one’s even trying.”

“I don’t want a relationship right now. I don’t think..” _I have time._ He trailed off. 

Donghyuck pouted.

“Mark hyung, Jeno has become a rebel. He doesn’t love me anymore. Look at how he so openly rejected my offer for getting him a boyfriend.”

How could Donghyuck ever consider the fact that Jeno didn’t love him? He knew the other was joking but it still stung. He snorted anyway. 

Mark simply shook his head, done with his boyfriend’s dramatic antics. Just as he did so, the other man clutched a hand to his chest and fake coughed, bending forward.

Typical drama queen Donghyuck.

“Let’s go out and have some hot chocolate after this. You’ve been drinking way too much coffee.”

Mark commented accusingly, eyes set on Jeno. 

Jeno’s legs protested against the trek but he nodded anyway. So when they walked out and Mark pulled the door of his car open, a part of him was overjoyed. After all, his doctor had asked him to take rest and not push himself.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you that happy at the sight of my car.”

“I miss mine.”

_Lie._

His beloved Cadenza was at Seoul, gathering dust in the garage of an apartment he would never use again. He should probably tell his father to sell the apartment and the car to someone who wanted a home and not a house. It had been his temporary home, after all. 

“Why don’t you go take it from the workshop, then?”

Donghyuck asked, genuinely curious.

Jeno smiled.

“Do you want to get rid of me that soon? What if I go to Seoul and think, “My friends suck. I should probably not go back?”

“You’re such a brat. You don’t like Seoul. There are no people like us there and you love us. Also, we don’t suck.”

Donghyuck said, his finger poking at Jeno’s chest and challenge in his eyes; feisty and stubborn. The two things Mark cancelled out. They were perfect.

Mark laughed as he got into the car and started it.

“He’s right though. You love us.”

Jeno didn’t have a comeback for that. Not that he wanted to argue against that statement.

“Yeah. I do. You still suck though.”

That was a huge mistake because the entire ride was filled with Donghyuck stating, cross-sectioning and explaining every reason why he thought they didn’t suck. Jeno was pretty sure that if he had a chance he would have pulled up a slideshow for the same. Some part of him was really glad. 

“Twice in a day. Someone’s getting addicted.”

Jaemin said, adjusting his apron as he walked to their table. The sparkle in Donghyuck’s eye told Jeno that the next line out of his mouth was going to be something embarrassing.

“Yeah. I think so too. He’s getting addicted to you.”

Mark snorted as Donghyuck followed the line up with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

Jaemin turned red, not used to the teasing even if he had met Donghyuck many times before.

“What will you have?”

He said, gaining his composure.

“Hot chocolate for three. Red velvet cake for two and chocolate fudge for him.”

Donghyuck ordered. Jeno couldn’t help but smile at how he remembered his order even though it had been a while since they had cake together.

“Coming right up.”

Jaemin said, exiting.

Their conversation droned on and Jisung was the one who came to serve them, Jaemin busy in the kitchen. Donghyuck teased and ruffled the blue-haired boy’s feathers, the boy leaving with a pink and blotchy face. Mark shook his head like he tended to whenever Donghyuck did something amusing.

Jeno felt a little breathless and nauseous but he tried his best to focus on the conversation. When it felt like he couldn’t hold it in front of them anymore, he excused himself to the restroom, Mark sending him a worried glance. He felt something trickle down his nostrils, already knowing what it was. His fingers came away bloody and he washed his shaking hands urgently, wishing for it to stop. His head spun and he steadied himself with a grip on the sink. His hair was lifeless and he looked... he looked so dead. He didn’t want to look that way. He wanted to look alive because soon he wouldn’t be.

“Why’re you... Fuck! Jeno, what’s this? What’s wrong?”

In his struggle with his thoughts, he had missed the door opening. He panicked for a second before finding relief in the fact it was just Jaemin. He pulled the handkerchief from his pocket and put it under his nose to control the bleeding. The barista was still standing a foot away from him, eyes wild and terrified.

“I’m fine. It’s just due to stress. I’ll be fine.”

Jaemin didn’t look convinced and when Jeno drew his gaze away from the barista, he took a step forward.

“You’re lying. What’s wrong?”

All Jeno wanted to do was let out the words that were jammed in his throat. Just like every time he asked what was wrong, Jeno felt the overwhelming urge to relieve himself of the secret that only his father and doctors knew. He hadn’t even said it aloud to himself. That would make things more real. But he was so tired of being the only one who knew about the elephant in the room. The bleeding had stopped in the few minutes that followed, thick with silence.

“I... I’m dying. I have cancer.”

Acceptance coursed through his veins and he felt the best kind of relief flood him as he said the worst kind of words anyone could tell anyone. The irony. Jaemin looked stricken; his eyes went wide before he collapsed forward onto Jeno. The blonde-haired man wondered if Jaemin felt that much of a connection with him to be so shaken with his confession.

Apologies left the barista’s mouth in vain and the rumpled man held him as best as he could. It saddened him when he realized that their first hug would always bring memories of death to Jaemin. Would he think of him after he left? Would he miss him?

“Is there any... is there any way... What did.. the doctors say?”

Jaemin stuttered out, still hugging him. Jeno smoothed his slightly bloody hands down the other’s back, grateful that his shirt was black.

“They tried. I’m not responding to the treatment. I didn’t wanna spend the time I have rotting away in a hospital. Don’t worry, Jaemin.”

Jaemin’s silent sobs broke his heart bit by bit and Jeno wondered if Donghyuck and Mark would hurt the same way. Probably not. This man only knew him for three months and even then, his reaction was so intense. They knew him for a lifetime. Theirs would be much worse.

“I..My timing is so inappropriate but can I tell you something?”

Jeno already knew but he nodded anyway. Jaemin’s hands tightened on his shirt.

“I like you. I’ve been crushing on you since I saw you. I wanted to ask you out but something was keeping me from doing it. I know you don’t want anything of that kind with me. But I just thought you might want to know. You’re a great person, Jeno. You didn’t deserve this.”

His voice was firm when he said it. Jeno smiled against his hair and Jaemin let go of him but didn’t step away.

“I know. But I love somebody else and even if I didn’t, I wouldn’t...I am not that selfish to put you through that. I’m sorry but you deserve more than the measly little time I can give you. If we..if I had more time..maybe..maybe.. we could have been something.”

Jaemin nodded, biting his lip to hold onto the thin line of control he had on his emotions. Jeno stepped closer and wiped the tears from the barista’s face. Jaemin, in return, took his handkerchief and cupped Jeno’s jaw with one hand, gently wiping the other’s face which had a rosy tint near his mouth due to the blood.

“They don’t know, do they?”

Jeno shook his head. Jaemin breathed in and breathed out, closing his eyes. He stepped a little closer and kissed Jeno on his cheek, lips lingering.

Jeno could feel his eyes turning to crescents and he let the boy whom he could have had a future with, glimpse the smile that had become so rare. Jaemin smiled equally widely, always the one who understood, knowing not to push.

Donghyuck wiggled his eyebrows as Jeno left the restroom with Jaemin. Jeno simply smiled in response but Mark was still sending him worried looks.

“You sure you’re okay?”

He asked.

“Never been better.”

He answered, taking the fork and diving into the cake that felt like heaven before but tasted like a future he didn’t have any more now.

***

Watching Me Before You felt like a sign from the Gods that Jeno shouldn’t forget what was to come in the momentary euphoria he felt with his friends. He loathed God for a moment for having denied him the love he wanted and the life he needed. But Donghyuck would have Mark forever. Maybe, that was the only thing God had control over. Maybe, he was too busy with other lives that his momentary inattention caused Atropos to cut his life a little shorter than he intended. Maybe, the only remedy he could do for Jeno was to assure a safe future for the one he was supposed to have lived with, forever. Maybe, that was what prompted Jeno to never confess. The pain Donghyuck would feel if he died would be cruel if Mark wouldn’t be there to hold him. He stopped his imaginative train of thought there. Maybe, none of this happened and the man upstairs was just angsty as fuck.

That made sense.

Jeno was so tired that he had even slept off in the middle of the movie. Mark had noticed but had only smiled at him when he woke up. He probably thought that the trip to the cafe coupled with the flu tired him out. Jeno continued watching even as his body ached everywhere, eyes transfixed on the screen to see the man who was similar to him in some ways, die.

Donghyuck was openly sobbing as the climax approached, Mark’s hands keeping him glued to his chest. Jeno could feel the warmth leaking from the younger’s body. All his life, he had been exposed to the side profile of the man he loved. But it was okay. He loved Mark too and he was so happy for his friend. He was happy for both of them. They were _it_ for each other.

“Cry baby.”

Jeno muttered as the credits rolled.

“You suck, you insensitive dumbo.” Donghyuck said, his eyes swollen and fresh tears still rolling down his cheeks.

Mark grinned at his sobbing boyfriend as Donghyuck turned his face to him and hid it in the curve of his neck with a whine of _“Hyung”_. Jeno smiled. He didn’t have many opportunities left to see them together.

Since it was not that late yet, Donghyuck had demanded that they watch another movie. Jeno and Mark were too weak for his requests and even with half-hearted interest, they let the man put on Tangled. Just like Jeno had predicted, Donghyuck fell asleep even before they reached the middle of the movie. Mark too, slipped into unconsciousness, almost halfway through the movie. Jeno held on for a bit longer but at the end, the exhaustion took over, the temporary dark abyss welcoming him.

When he woke up, the TV had turned off on its own. His clothes clung to his body. He hated it but night sweats were a thing that _it_ brought. His legs felt like jelly when he got up and his knees nearly buckled, hands finding the armrest to balance himself. The only illumination was from the light yellow glow of the lamp in the dining area. He looked at the cuddled up pair in the soft glow, at the way Mark’s arms were tight and protective around Donghyuck, at the way Donghyuck looked so happy and pliant in his arms. Relief washed over him for the umpteenth time.

Jeno trotted silently to the kitchen, head still spinning. He opened the fridge and took out a bottle of cold water, gulping it down like a man lost and found in a desert. He placed the bottle back in and put his hands on the counter, still feeling weak, the fatigue wearing him down like rocks tied to dead bodies. 

He raised his head and cracked his neck, sighing. It was then that Mark cleared his throat.

“Hyung, do you want something?”

Mark didn’t move for a moment before finally walking to the counter.

“No. I woke up and saw that you were gone.”

Jeno nodded.

“Wake Donghyuck up and sleep in my room, okay? I’ll sleep on the couch.”

Mark frowned.

“Don’t. We used to do sleepovers all the time. Just come and stay with us.”

Jeno sent Mark a weird look, secretly wondering why his hyung was acting so out of character and fidgety.

“Hyung, what’s wrong?”

Mark flicked his gaze from where it had found home on Jeno’s fridge and looked straight at him.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

Jeno stared in confusion.

“Have you even been looking at the mirror? You’re not fine, Jeno and you’re hiding something from us. We’re not idiots. Hyuck is worried too. We’re..Just talk to me. Let me know what’s wrong.”

For a second, he did contemplate it.

“It’s nothing, hyung. Don’t worry about it. I’m just not at a 100 in terms of health. I’ll be fine. Immunity’s been fucked up I guess.”

 _Play it safe._ A part of him whispered eerily.

Mark looked at him, shoulders tense, unconvinced. He relaxed after letting a breath out. He walked past Jeno and opened the fridge, chugging some water from the bottle. He held onto Jeno’s wrist and dragged him softly to the living room where the subject of their affections lay asleep, his jaw slack; a perfect painting comprised of just the right curves and edges. Mark let go of his hand and poked the brunet but he didn’t budge.

The eldest put his arms under the sleeping man and carried him. Jeno noticed the way the brown-haired man fit just right in Mark’s arms, snuggling closer and purring contently. He also noticed the way Mark didn’t stumble or breathe heavier; he was so used to the other’s weight, the familiarity made the corners of his mouth curve up. 

Sleep had been so hard for him in the past few months. Even if he slept for ten hours, he woke up feeling anxious, heart racing with unrest. Maybe it was the fatigue talking but today, with Donghyuck cuddling up to his back and Mark behind the brunet, sleep came easily, his mind spacing out at the warmth the others gave off. 

_How long would he have this?_

***

Jaemin became a constant presence in his life in the days that led to an inevitable end. The other man had hired another barista just so he could spend a little more time with Jeno and he was so grateful for his presence. The cafe owner often came by his place and stayed with him; watching movies and cooking for him. Had he had a shot at life he was sure that falling for Jaemin would have been as easy as breathing but he couldn’t do that to the man. He wondered if he had a thing for men who cooked but he never let that line of thought progress further; the repercussions were too many.

Jeno made sure to keep his friends uninformed about Jaemin. Donghyuck would never take it the way he wanted to and the questions from Mark would be too many to ever risk it. The barista was fine with it too. He liked the way he could always talk openly about how bad he felt and how bad it hurt. With Jaemin knowing about him being sick, it was one more person he could talk about the oblivion that was in store for him. Especially with his father still travelling, the barista became his one and only solace. Their conversations often ended in tears, mostly from the other man but he never asked Jeno to pretend like he wasn’t sick or to stop talking about it. He listened patiently and held Jeno for however long he wanted to be held for. Jeno asked him every day to not fall for him and Jaemin promised him that every single day.

Everything was going fine. Well, as fine as it could possibly get with every atom of his being fighting for survival. But then a fateful Sunday arrived with drizzling rain, slippery roads and wet umbrellas in the stand next to the door.

Mark stumbled in on a Sunday morning, without Donghyuck. Jeno hadn’t been able to help it.

“Where’s Donghyuck?”

He had to ask that because he was so used to seeing them as a single unit. It felt incomplete without the brown-haired counterpart by Mark’s side.

“Woah! I feel so welcome.” Mark snorted, shaking off his raincoat and hanging it on the coat hanger. “He’s working.”

“Shouldn’t you be with him then?”

Jeno asked. The cold wasn’t very lenient towards Jeno. But it had become the only thing he felt these days, the weather being ever so inconsiderate towards the dying soul. 

“You’re my best friend, Jeno. I love him but I don’t need him by my side to talk to you.”

Jeno sat back down on the couch, patting the seat in a gesture of open invitation.

“He’ll come over later, he’s showing the ropes to the new hire.”

Jeno hummed affirmatively.

Mark collapsed next to him, shaking his slightly wet hair causing tiny raindrops to spray on Jeno who batted his hands at his best friend. The eldest man took him by surprise when he put a hand around him and pulled him to his chest. It was probably Donghyuck’s influence but Jeno relaxed into the protective grip without protest. Mark switched the TV on and the reporter droned on about world news.

“How’s the online thing going?”

Mark asked, reducing the volume.

“It’s boring but it pays well.”

Jeno mumbled out, as usual, attempting to pull away to have a peek at Mark’s expression but the elder tightened his grip.

“Don’t. Just..stay.”

Jeno paled.

“Hyung, what’s wrong?”

Mark inhaled, his chest expanding visibly under Jeno’s face.

“It’s nothing.” He paused, ”It’s just me being paranoid.”

Jeno let the silence stretch on for a little longer than necessary.

“Paranoid about what?”

He felt the elder man press a delicate kiss on his hair. What in God’s name was going on?

“I just... it feels like you are running away to someplace.” The air froze, Jeno’s heart-stopping as it did so. “You’ve been running forever, Jeno-ah. I’ve tried.. but no matter how much we try to pull you close, you keep running away from us. When you left for uni and decided to get a job at Seoul, we knew you were coming back. I was so sure but now that you’ve finally moved here, it feels like you are miles away. It feels like you have no plan to return.”

Jeno rapidly blinked the tears away. Mark had always had good instincts and he had proven it again.

“I am not going anywhere, hyung. I came here to stay, remember?”

Mark hummed, still sounding uncertain but Jeno didn’t want to push. He knew that the elder had an arsenal of questions to follow up with if he did so.

Somewhere along, he had fallen asleep, the medicines from the afternoon taking effect. Mark was acting as a personal heater and that coupled with the heating in the house worked wonders for creating the best possible atmosphere for him to sleep in. So when he woke up to find himself covered in a blanket, he had assumed that Mark had left. He sat up, rubbing his face with his palms. He was sleeping so much. He wanted to be awake. He didn’t want to spend his days sleeping away, he wanted to go out and have fun but his body was failing him a little more every day.

Jeno got up and walked to his room with slow steps. He should probably find his phone and ask Mark why he left without telling him but he opened the door to find said man sat atop his bed, familiar leather journals spread around him which had previously been stacked neatly on the table. His heart tumbled down to his stomach.

Mark raised his gaze to look up at Jeno with tears dripping down his pale face, the crystal glacier tracks evident and shining.

“You..” All that came out was air, so Mark cleared his throat again. Jeno’s hand tightened on the door handle in anxiety. “You..love him.”

There was no space for denial when Mark had Jeno’s entire life in front of him written in his messy script, his tears soaking the pages. 

He took a deep breath.

“I do. I’m sorry.”

But it seemed like he was too concerned with something else.

“Why’re you apologizing?” His voice broke but there was more, “Why’re you...Why’re you writing about nosebleeds, Jeno? Why.. why are..you..” A sob escaped him,”Why are you talking about..about death so much?”

Jeno hated the universe. Mark didn’t deserve this. He hated the three fates. He hated the so-called omniscient protector of all. He hated this moment and the next and he hated being the reason for Mark’s pain.

“I...” He trailed off.

“The truth, this time. Please.” He begged.

“It’s because I’m dying. I’m dying from cancer, hyung. You were right. When I leave this time...” He closed his eyes tightly as he uttered the wretched completion to those words, “I don’t have plans to return.”

He doesn’t know where the strength to utter it with a straight face came from but Mark’s expression crumpled, lips bitten red, face and eyes swollen and for the first time in forever, Mark looked vulnerable. Jeno loathed every second as realization sank in the elder’s face.

Jeno stepped forward, his legs trekking on their own and sat on the bed, his hands pulling Mark close to him. They embraced tightly and he let the elder cry, each sob ripping a day from his life.

“I asked you... I asked you so many times. Why you? Why couldn’t it... it be someone... someone else?”

“Hyung, we... we don’t control fate.” Jeno said, keeping his voice stable, knowing that a crack in his armour would mean Mark shattering completely. He wasn’t prepared for this.

“How long?”

Jeno sighed.

“Months. I found out about a year ago. I wasn’t responding to treatment. The doctor said I could continue and see if it would work or prepare myself. I... I just knew... deep inside that there was nothing left to do.”

Mark sobbed harder that, the journal still open in his lap as he clung onto Jeno’s t-shirt.

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

Jeno snorted.

“If I told you, would you have dealt better? You would have been in pain for nearly two years, hyung. This is why I didn’t visit last year. The chemo was draining me and I didn’t want to be the killjoy.”

Mark denied firmly before he lifted his head.

“How are you so..how are you so fine with this?”

Jeno laughed inside. He bit into the inside of his cheeks as he constructed an answer.

“I had time..to deal with this. I have accepted it. There’s no fighting against this. No matter how much I try, my will isn’t gonna cure this.”

Mark stared at him with tear filled eyes; like he was one world he didn’t want to lose, like he wished there was something he could do or say to make this better, like he had failed as his hyung. He flipped the pages of another journal and cleared his throat.

“I love him like the moon loves the sun. But he’s in love with.. with the clouds. I’m cold and barren and... he... he deserves someone who’ll care for him better than I ever can. I know... I know Mark hyung will... will love him with all he has and I’m happy for them. No one... no one has to know about... about...”

Jeno pulled the journal gently from his hands and closed it, placing it on the bed.

“Don’t do this to yourself, hyung.”

Mark shook his head vehemently.

“How can I not? You... you love him so much and you never... you never told me. You never told him. Why?”

Jeno let his smile fill his face.

“Because you deserve him. You can love him better than I ever can.”

Mark shook his head again.

“How do you know if you never tried? You never even got a chance to confess, Jeno. I’m so sorry. I’m so... so sorry for that.”

It was his choice though. He had made the decision for himself.

“Hyung, stop apologizing. It’s over now. I love him but he loves you and I love you both too much to ever come in between you.”

Mark looked at the ceiling, trying to control his tears that were still rolling down his cheeks. Jeno let him cry in peace.

“Tell him.”

Jeno stared at Mark with his eyes wide open.

“What are you saying? I can’t... Are you even listening to yourself now?”

Mark had a bittersweet smile on his face.

“I am... I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life regretting the fact that I never gave you a chance when I know he loves you too... that the only reason he chose me was that he was so damn sure you didn’t like him. You don’t know how many times he told me he...”

They heard the sound of a door opening and there were so many things that were wrong with this situation but the only thing that kept ringing in his head was the knell that was Mark’s words. 

“Woah, who died, boys?”

Donghyuck asked, strutting inside the room like the diva he was. Unconcerned. Unaware. But not for long.

“Hyung, are you... are you crying? What the fuck? Did you guys fight or something?”

He asked, eyes flicking between the two men still frozen on the bed.

“Donghyuck... he... talk to him. Be honest. I’ll be in the living room.”

Mark uttered with a firm voice as if there was nothing else that he was so certain about. Jeno caught hold of his wrist and shook his head at Mark. Donghyuck was standing petrified at the door, the words sinking in.

“I’m sorry but this is it. It’s dragged on for so long. You deserve to know. So does he. But tell him everything. I... Forget I exist for some time.” Jeno shook his head again, unable to bear the gist of what Mark was asking of him. “Please Jeno, let me do this for you.” He pleaded, tearing up again, new tears blending in with the old.

Mark got off the bed and held out his hand for Donghyuck to take, the younger coming closer on instinct. He leaned in near his ear.

“I love you. I know you do too..but... but be honest with him. Hear him out. He deserves this, okay?”

Donghyuck nodded hesitantly, the cheery mood disappearing as Mark’s lips touched the shell of his ears, telling him that he was to prepare for the worst.

Mark closed the door as he left the pair alone. Donghyuck walked on shaky legs to his best friend, sitting on the bed and moving closer to Jeno whose gaze was settled on the closed window.

It was raining outside and some part of him found serenity in the lulled sounds of the downpour. He could feel the warmth of Donghyuck edging closer but he refused to glance at him, needing a moment. After all, he had never had a plan prepared for when he had to reveal to his best friends that he was dying and was in love with one of them. The world really was cruel and merciless, even to a man counting down his days. 

What should he tell him first?

“Jeno... you can tell me anything, you know that right?”

 _Like how you told me everything about you being in love with me?_ He didn’t ask.

He ran a hand through the dying strands of platinum blonde and looked at the sunshine incarnate with the rain tousled hair, looking like the calm of the storm itself in the most beautiful way. The tornado of confusion wreaked havoc in the very cell of his being as he found it hard to find the right words to say; now that he knew the truth. But he had to push through anyway. Donghyuck was kept in the dark for long enough. Jeno had denied him the choice even though it was a weapon of unknown mutual agreement.

“I’m sick.”

Donghyuck’s eyebrows bunched together at hearing that. He put his hand on Jeno’s forehead and took it away immediately but Jeno held onto his wrist, not letting him get up.

“Fuck! You have a fever. Come on. Let’s go see the doctor.” He eyed Jeno’s firm grip on his hand and looked at him again. “Let go, Jeno. We’ll go to the hospital.”

Jeno’s heart throbbed in pain and his eyes stung at his inability to speak the words that lodged itself in his throat. Why wasn’t it this hard with the others? Maybe this was particularly difficult because of the one bit of specific information that Mark had revealed to him.

Donghyuck waved his free hand in front of his face to grab his attention.

“Were you guys fighting about going to the hospital? That’s stupid. You’re both adults. Now stop...” He laughed nervously, “Stop being a kid. We’ll go... we’ll go fix you.”

Jeno knew that Donghyuck didn’t trust one word out of his mouth. Being with Mark also meant better instincts and obviously, he was putting up a face to shield himself from the truth. Donghyuck was doing so well but the nervous laughter that sounded like a heart preparing itself for the inevitable fractures had given him away.

Jeno let his wrist go and looked carefully at his face, beautifully sun-kissed and eyes so bright. Hidden deep in the contours was hesitation and his eyebrows were slightly unruly from the rain and probably from running a hand over his face. He put his arms around the younger and felt him melt against him, their faces cradled in each other’s shoulders. He felt Donghyuck shake in his hold and soon there was moisture soaking his neck, soundlessly. 

He hadn’t even told him yet. 

Jeno decided to just get it over with.

“Hyuck, I’m very... I’m very sick.” He paused, taking a deep breath of the delectable scent of citrus and petrichor oozing off Donghyuck. The younger’s grip on his t-shirt tightened and Jeno’s chest panged at the similarity with Mark’s response.

“Hyuck, I have cancer.” He continued even as the other’s sobs grew louder into cries of agony, “They found out last November. The treatment wasn’t... wasn’t working. There was no progress and I... was given a choice. So I decided to come here and spend... my time with both of you.”

No one would ever choose to have two halves of their whole world shiver and shake in the agony at the inevitable prospect of the death of their loved one in the confines of their own arms in the span of a few minutes. Yet, Jeno wouldn’t have asked for anything more. Yes, he didn’t want them to know but there was no use in denying the fact that they deserved to know. 

It amazed Jeno that the only one among them capable of chatting non-stop for hours till the rays of sun hit them in the faces was disarmed of his ability to talk for the next few minutes. Jeno held him, as best as he could, even if each drop of tear dragged down his shoulders which were already burdened with the weight of the man on the ashen horse.

“Is there any... any way to...”

His voice was wrecked as Donghyuck asked it.

“I’m sorry.” 

A useless apology was all that Jeno could mumble in response to his incomplete question. The waterfalls didn’t cease and the side of his t-shirt drenched itself in the rain that was his tears. His arms were still wound tight around Jeno’s waist and he told himself that he was not his, no matter how much he wanted him to be. Mark had asked him to let him know and he had to follow through.

“I have something else to say.”

Donghyuck nodded against his neck, wet eyelashes blinking against the bare skin of his neck.

“I know it means nothing. I just... I know. Especially now. But I love you.” Donghyuck froze but Jeno carried on, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to say it if he had to look him in the eye. “I’ve loved you for so long... I left because I had to fall out of love and I needed... needed distance from you but it didn’t do shit... I am still in love with you. I’m sorry I just... I couldn’t help myself.”

Donghyuck pulled out of the hug with red-rimmed eyes, still dripping saline. He hiccupped before steeling himself.

“I did too.” He gazed deep into his eyes as he said the next words. “I loved you too...”

_Loved. Past._

Understanding washed over him in waves, the epitome of calm.

“Mark hyung told me that you did. That you thought I could never love you. But I do.” 

Donghyuck looked so heartbroken and divided as if he was scared that Jeno would want him to make a choice. He decided to ease his worries because he didn’t come back to wreck a home he knew was in the making. He came back for his best friends, not for the prospect of a love that was shot down at its inception by its creator.

“What I also know,” He extended his slightly trembling left hand, ignoring the ache of protest his heart made before it calmed at his intentions and moved away the hair which was flopping lopsidedly over the other’s eyes, “What I also know is that you love him more than you love me now. He was there when I... I wasn’t and it’s okay to choose him. You don’t have to feel guilty. I know you, Hyuck and if you want to give someone something, you give them your everything and that’s okay. I am just... I am just happy that you loved me once even if it’s a chance I lost.”

Donghyuck was crying openly, bright eyes brimming with tears running their gaze over Jeno’s face; as if looking for a lie. Jeno hoped he found none.

“Jeno... I’m so sorry... I’m sorry for...” 

He placed a hand on his lips, immediately halting the words.

“Don’t apologize for something you never regretted. Don’t put your relationship on the stone for me. Don’t lie to yourself. Listen to me...” He placed a hand on both his shoulders and continued, “You love him. It’s as simple as that. Maybe it was hard in the beginning but you love him now. That’s all that matters. I’m a past you’ll forget.”

“No.”

His answer echoed off the walls of Jeno’s room.

“Yes, I love him but a... a part of me loves you too. I don’t want you to... want you to... go thinking all I feel for you is friendship when it’s not. Hyung knows and I love him all the more for it. I feel like...”

Jeno didn’t let him complete, saying the next words with conviction, making sure to look at him with all that he had, letting go off all the thoughts that hindered him from ever doing so.

“But... I’m dying and I’m so happy for you. I’m so glad that he’s there for you and that he’ll be there for you, even when I’m six feet under. It makes me so happy to know that you’ll...”

He wasn’t allowed to finish too, Donghyuck’s warmth enveloping him again as the other hugged him so tight Jeno had to brace himself on the bed with one hand.

“Why do you have to say it again? Why do you have to hurt me like this? I can’t... I don’t think I can do this.”

Jeno smiled against the soft skin of his neck.

“You can. I’ll spend every second I have with both of you. That’s all I can give you and then, you’ll have to let me go, with the same stupid smile I fell in love with and Mark hyung will be right there beside you, smiling at me, telling me that he’ll take care of you and himself in my absence.” 

The words that followed were something he realized in that moment but he was certain about it like he was certain of how little time he had.

“In this life, we’re not meant to be. Maybe... maybe in the next life too, we won’t end up together... but I think... I think I’m fine with that, Donghyuck. I’m happy like this.”

Donghyuck didn’t respond, choosing to cling on tighter. When Jeno started coughing intensely, he pulled back and stared at him with panicked eyes. There was a knock on the door then, the younger getting up to open it, knowing that Mark was probably worried as all hell to have interrupted.

“Is he... “ Mark started

Jeno interceded.

“I’m fine, hyung.”

Donghyuck poured him a glass of water anyway.

None of them talked for a few minutes until Jeno patted at the bed as he moved to the centre of the mattress. Mark threw him a look of confusion.

“Like old times, hyung.” Jeno said. _The time we don’t have for long._

The frown on his tear-stained face disappeared as Jeno threw him a small smile. Donghyuck hesitated but Mark smiled softly at him.

They didn’t sleep for a long time, asking Jeno about everything regarding his illness, his frail hands cradled desperately in each of their hands. Did grown men share a bed like this? Was this normal? Jeno wondered like he had conditioned himself to do but then Mark shifted closer to run a hand through his platinum blonde hair and the reservations he had tumbled out the window in slow motion.

Fuck normal. He felt alive with them. Fuck anyone who would try to take that away.

Donghyuck pressed a kiss on his clothed shoulder, Jeno freezing up at the action before he relaxed as he saw Mark’s gaze meeting the restaurateur’s, a promise and permission given without reluctance. 

_It’s okay._ The look conveyed and Jeno tightened his grip on Mark’s for being so understanding.

Would Donghyuck ever get anyone who loved him and understood him like Mark did?

 _Never._ Jeno’s mind replied as he found it impossible to hold his eyes open, slipping into oblivion, bittersweet happiness filling him. 

***

The days that came were in no way the easiest. Not that Jeno had expected it to be after Mark found out the truth. Jeno was reminded of the elder’s stupidity when Donghyuck called him two weeks later, crying on the phone and speaking a language legible only to someone who knew him, telling him that Mark wasn’t picking up his phone since morning; that his suitcase and clothes were all gone too.

Jeno didn’t have a car so he had asked Donghyuck to drive to his place. They spent the night looking for a man who desperately didn’t want to be found, simply a note telling them that he “thought it was for the best”. Their panicked search led them to the train station, figuring out that the man wouldn’t leave his business in Korea and leave for his cousin’s place in America.

It had been a hit and miss search. Mark was huddled up in a hoodie that belonged to Donghyuck, fidgeting as he leant back and stared at the ceiling, undoubtedly waiting for his train.

Jeno socked him in the face, his lip splitting and bruising the side of his cheek and mouth. His joints ached now more than ever but he had trusted Mark. He knew it was hard but he had trusted him with the heart of the man he loved. He couldn’t forgive him for treating Donghyuck like a toy who could be thrown away; to a dying man especially. He couldn’t forgive him for thinking that Jeno didn’t want him by his side as he took his last breath.

He pulled him by his wrist then, even if Mark was clearly the strongest among them, Jeno giving up his metaphorical crown as the superior one by contracting the disease. But Mark followed him anyway, not even attempting to punch him back, eyes downcast, Donghyuck’s sobs and shaking self the accompaniment music to the breaths of the fighting duo. Even on the drive home, the situation remained much the same.

“You don’t get to treat him like this.”

Jeno said, unable to keep the cold tone off his voice as he threw his coat on the couch.

“Treat him like what?”

Mark asked, tiredness creeping into his voice.

Donghyuck stared at the pair, shutting the door behind him and looking at them with confusion etched on his pained features.

“Treat him like he is some toy you can throw away just because he was in love with someone else before he fell in love with you.”

Mark shrank, looking at Jeno for the first time since he punched him. The bruise on his face was deep red, turning nearly purple but Jeno knew he had to push the guilt to a corner if he wanted to speak his mind.

“He’s not. I.. it’s not just anybody else he loved Jeno, he was in love with you.”

Donghyuck got up in protest.

“He isn’t anymore, you fucking moron. You don’t get to run away and leave him with someone who’s dying... He doesn’t deserve that. I’m fucking dying, asshole! Who’s gonna hold him together when I leave? Who’s gonna hold you when you find yourself grieving me every single day for the rest of your life?” He took a breath, his lungs didn’t work the same way after all. “Who told you that you were allowed to be this selfish?”

Mark teared up, his gaze flickering across the room, landing on Donghyuck and the way his shoulders shook as he cried, biting his lip to stay silent.

“Jeno, it’s fine. He knows. Please... please don’t fight.”

Donghyuck begged but Jeno shook his head until Mark walked to him, apologizing in kind, every word out of his mouth a promise before he kneeled in front of the man with the limited time and limitless courage. They broke down then. He learnt that Mark didn’t run away for the reason he said alone. He was also not prepared to watch his best friend die. Leaving seemed like the easiest way out. Not that reality would ever change; paradigms never shifted, after all.

***

“I’m scared.”

Jeno admitted to Jaemin three days after the incident where Mark ran away. The barista untied his apron and patted Jisung on the back, his hushed voice instructing the other to take over for the next few minutes. The younger woke up with a groan and a scowl on his face, clearly displeased at having been woken up but his face softened at seeing Jeno leaning against the counter.

Jaemin walked to him and gestured to the table at the corner of the cafe, far away from the GD fangirl who was the only other customer in the place, night running as dawn chased it with gusto.

“It’s okay to be.”

Jaemin said, expression soft and one hand gripping Jeno’s casually.

“I don’t think there’s much... much time left.”

Jaemin looked up from their linked hands.

“What do you wanna do then?”

Jeno liked the fact that he didn’t speak of mirages in deserts or miracles or Jesus fucking Christ appearing to bless him as a way to give him hope. He liked Jaemin for not giving him the false sense of security or faith or feed him lies; all of which his friends were obligated to give.

“I think I should call dad and ask him to come here.”

Jaemin nodded in agreement.

“You should.”

Jeno smiled.

“Autumn is perfect, isn’t it?”

_For fading away. For leaving and becoming one with the riot of red and yellow on the sidewalks. For blending in with nature even if it meant travelling six feet under._

“Not for the people who love you.”

Jaemin replied, knowing full well that it was just a rhetoric question on Jeno’s part.

“I’m sorry.”

Jeno whispered, sipping the coffee that was becoming a painful reminder of how much he would miss the barista in front of him.

“I know. I am too.”

When he left the cafe that day, he was bundled up in Jisung’s parka too, the blue-haired boy calling him from the back and offering his blue coat, being endearingly awkward. Jeno missed the way Jaemin smiled widely at them as his hands started on coffee for the middle-aged woman who settled in the chair next to the GD fangirl.

***

Jeno’s father had always kept his promises. This time was no exception. Maybe that was the reason why he was so alright with his father travelling everywhere; the faith he had that he would return at once to him at the smallest gesture. 

“You’ll be fine, son.”

He said on the day of his arrival, twenty-two hours after his call and Jeno trusted it with the certainty of his father’s aged and calloused fingers that pressed itself on the skeleton of the small machine.

Just like he had predicted, his friends gave all their time to him, even going so far as to accept Jaemin’s presence when Jeno wanted him there. His father tagged along on some days, staying back and hiding his face behind the carbon black moment locker, hands pressing insistently on the shutter, documenting every second.

Two weeks later, Jeno decided that it was time to pay the doctors a visit. His nose bleeds had grown heavy and the ache in his bones felt like adamantium being frozen to his skeleton; only he wasn’t becoming Wolverine, he was just a fatally ill boy.

Hospice. The pensive doctor suggested, the only word that stood out to him amongst the conversation about blast levels in his blood and how chemotherapy was unlikely to work since it failed before. Jeno was considering it when Mark spoke up.

“No. We’ll take care of him.”

Autumn moved slowly, the dead leaves flying in through the window of his house telling him that death would come silently too.

Donghyuck and Mark were two pillars of support and love and in the peak days of autumn, Jeno tried with all the energy and passion he could amass to spend time with them. He tended to sleep off, waking up on Donghyuck’s lap or with his face tucked into the hollow of Mark’s neck or his father sleeping on the armchair with a book spread open, face down on his chest.

There was one day when he woke up refreshed unlike the past few months filled with multiple sessions of motivational speeches to make him get up from the bed. He went out for barbecue to Donghyuck’s restaurant, inviting Jaemin and his dad, Mark a constant fixture by his side to help keep him upright and rooted.

It was one of the best days during his last ones. He felt content, surrounded by the people who meant most to him.

“I’m sorry.”

Donghyuck whispered that night as he switched the lights off in Jeno’s room, the man feigning sleep till he heard the sound of the pair locking up before they left.

He knew what the apology was for. 

It was okay. 

It was okay because even if his feelings were reciprocated, love didn’t have the power to stop his cells from cancelling each other out. It was okay because his friends were happy with the rainbow their rain of feelings created. 

It was okay because somewhere along, Jeno had accepted death too.

***

Jeno didn’t live long enough to see the first snowfall. Just like he had talked about how autumn was perfect, he left during it too. Even the last leaf fell long after he did. He hadn’t had months left like he had told Mark he did. 

No matter how much Jeno had wished to not let it happen, he had still died in a hospital. He hadn’t left behind many unsaid words. Maybe a couple, but most of it was said.

The funeral was simple. A silent day and less than ten people. It was all he had asked for. 

He was too young to accept death, yet he did. He never fought against it. Maybe if he had... no... there was no way left. He had to have fought in the beginning. Jeno never forfeited a battle; especially not something that made him realize that even nuclear weapons wouldn’t cure the illness demolishing his insides.

Mark wiped his face, smudging the wetness across it as he walked away. 

Donghyuck placed a bouquet of white lilies on the grave next to Jeno’s mother. That was one of the last things he had requested for.

_“Bury me near mom.”_

Who were they to deny him his wishes?

“I hope you’re happy wherever you are. Jaemin asked me to apologize for breaking tradition. He’s down with the flu.”

Donghyuck kneeled on the grass, brushing the leaves away with his hand.

“You lied to me, Jeno. You lied when you said you were okay with the way things were when it so clearly wasn’t. I wish you didn’t feel like you have to put up a face for us. I wish you hadn’t accepted it so early.”

The breeze tickled the tiny hair on the back of his neck. Leaves continued to fall on the groomed grass.

“But I’d rather you have died in peace, which you did. I couldn’t ask for anything more.” He paused, “Actually, I could but you didn’t want me to, did you?”

Donghyuck let himself smile wetly as he ran his fingers over the name of his first love with as much affection as he could muster. A few tears dripped on the black marble. Bereavement wasn’t that easy. 

“I’ll be back next month. I love you. I always will.”

He swore that he heard a familiar laughter which had become so rare during his last days, resonate in the air and he gasped. When he turned to ask Mark to confirm that he wasn’t being paranoid, he found him standing there wide-eyed, a hand covering his mouth as if he had heard it too.

“Hyung...”

Mark speed walked to him, pulling him to his chest, breath heavy.

“I did too. Hyuck, I heard him too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Here's hoping that someday my withering heart would be capable of writing fluff. Anyway, I love you for reading.. Hit me up on my [cc](https://curiouscat.me/Crimsun) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/_Crimsun_)


End file.
